Sarcasta.net - Lifesavers

NEW! 8-13-06

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LifeSavers

Why do wintergreen LifeSavers spark when you chew them in the dark?

Wintergreen LifeSavers contain a secret ingredient that is not listed on the label: powdered Leprechaun bones. They release their magic in the form of green sparks when pulverized in the absence of light.

They're not after your Lucky Charms, little man, they're after your wee magical femurs.

The candy we know and love as LifeSavers were invented in 1912 by a chocolate maker named Clarence Crane. Stores typically cut back on their chocolate orders during the summer because the candy would melt on the way to the store. Clarence decided to make a different kind of candy that would be easier to transport during the hot weather. Peppermints seemed to be the best idea, but Clarence's factory was set up for chocolate. Luckily, he was able to find a druggist with a pill-making machine that he could use. When the machine malfunctioned and punched a hole in the center of each mint, Clarence was so upset that he choked on the piece of root beer barrel candy that he had been eating. He suddenly realized (after coughing up the root beer barrel) that he had a revolutionary product on his hands.

Once marketed as The Candy With the Hole™, LifeSavers got their name because of their serendipitous resemblance to miniature donuts. If one of these delectable confections was accidentally inhaled and/or lodged in the throat, the hole in the middle would allow air to enter and exit the lungs, thus circumventing suffocation. They would, in fact, "save your life."

At one point LifeSavers attempted to market the leftover holes as "Holes." They were sold separately from the traditional round LifeSaver shape. Sale of Holes was abruptly discontinued when it was discovered that enterprising youths were purchasing both Holes and LifeSavers and recombining them to form a non-safety conscious, non-holed candy. Such a form was considered both unsafe and objectionable to the people at LifeSavers. Indeed, such reckless behavior threatened the safety-conscious image that the magnanimous people at LifeSavers had so carefully cultivated.

The marketing and research geniuses at LifeSavers overcame the occasional setbacks along the tedious road to candy iconography. The LifeSavers product line now includes impact-friendly GummiSavers™, dairy-friendly CremeSavers™, and the candy that they wanted to be LifeSavers, but the candy didn't care what they wanted: LifeSavers Kickerz™.

Rummy in your tummy.

Butter Rum LifeSavers were introduced during Prohibition as an alternative to smuggled Canadian whiskey and "Rot Gut" homemade bathtub gin. They were designed to rot the teeth instead of the gut, while still providing consumers with the alcoholic content they desired.

This tasty alternative alcohol source led to the twisting of the phrase "hard candy" into the now common: "hard liquor."

***No matter which flavor of LifeSavers you choose to enjoy, we remind you to enjoy them responsibly. Know when to say when, and don't do that thing where you try to jam the sucked-down remnants of a half-eaten one on the end of your pinky finger and claim it's a "ring." That's gross.