Sarcasta.net - Tulip Time

NEW! 8-13-06

Guild Pic-A-Nic

Your Randomest Source for Misinformation

UPDATE: I took out some of the sweraing. Now that I'm moving away from Holland, I prefer to remember Tulip Time in a less negative way, since I'll never be forced to "volunteer" for any more work-sponsored Tulip Time activiteis EVER AGAIN! Yaaaay!

Yes, folks... these gay looking teens are enjoying an activity known as Klompen Dancing. With 95% of the dancers being female, the term "gay" seems somehow strangely appropriate.

Words from the Tulip Killer:

"I got rid of it [the gold Volkswagen Beetle he used in the crime] and I'm trying to start out new. I learned you don't mess with the tulips in this city," he said. "I've been called T.K. -- for tulip killer, a tulip vandal and a lot of other things, so now I just avoid (the flowers) whenever I can."

Up to 11 pairs of socks are worn to both cushion the foot inside the wooden shoe, and also to keep them from flying off and hitting tourists in the head. Holland High School Marching Band is famous for marching with wooden shoes on.

Tulip Time - Holland MI
I drew the above graphic a few years after I moved to Holland. Every year I would print a couple out and tape them to the inside of my car's rear windows. It's amazing how offended the older Q-tip tourists got when they saw it. And, since I lived on a main road near Downtown (the heart of the mayhe... er, festival) LOTS of tourists saw it.

My official rule of thumb is, if you can't back out of your driveway without hitting a Klompen Dancer [see illustration at left], and the smell of corn dogs and candy apples is in the air... it's time to run for the hills and stay there. After first gorging on junk food from the multitude of little snack stands, that is.

During the Tulip Time Festival, you can see a twist on the usual rollerblade signs on store windows, saying "No Wooden Shoes Inside Store." I've also heard first-hand accounts of people driving to the dancing area with their wooden shoes on, getting one of them wedged under the brake pedal, and almost crashing their cars before they realized that their brakes weren't working because of the LARGE OBJECT WEDGED UNDER THE PEDAL!

The fine for picking a tulip from a public area is reportedly anywhere from $500 to $5,000. No one seems to be able to confirm the exact amount. However, a "hoodlum" who mowed down two blocks worth of tulips on "Tulip Lane" was publicly tracked down and jailed. The city places large metal spikes in the ground every few feet in the tulip beds. If you open your car door while driving by to knock down tulips, your car door will be wrecked by hitting the spikes. They tracked tdown the aforementioned "hoodlum" by matching the car paint left on the spikes to his specific car. Crazy, eh? Let it be said that the City of Holland LOVES its tulips!

Just in case you are intrigued and NEED to know more, you can visit the official Tulip Time website.